Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.