Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Clients after you give them your rates
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot