@abhorrent_wife

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

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@TheBoydP

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

@wildethingy

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

@chris_isloi

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

@Travon

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

@internetluke

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC