Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
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[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
what’s more important?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.