Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system