Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.