Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
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Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I cannot call her anything else now
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance