Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I’m not proud
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
lost dog
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
found this cool rock hiking today
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”