Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
me when the borders lift
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME