being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
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The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.