[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
You Might Also Like
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Ion see the issue
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.