Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
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what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
*jingles half the way*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.