being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
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Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse