being a writer on Twitter:

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I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.


Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster


Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
“Wake up!”
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”


The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.


[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?


I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.


I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes


My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.


It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity


What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.