@asuiterclarke

being a writer on Twitter:

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@JohnLyonTweets

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

@bestestname

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

@elle91

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

@chuuew

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@ebenbenson

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

@maughammom

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

@ieatanddrink

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

@NikiWithIssues

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.