being a writer on Twitter:
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I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤