being a writer on Twitter:
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Herpes is trending, good job people
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening