Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
You Might Also Like
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it