Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
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[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
greetings!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Perfect.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.