Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I’m giving up for Lent.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it