Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
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Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.