[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep