Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
It’s the weekend y’all
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
what’s for dinner?
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.