@KeithAshers

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

You Might Also Like

@topshelftyson

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

@Mike_Bianchi

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

@Be___Dope

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

@Rollmaninoz

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

@John_M15

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

@DanMentos

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

@notacroc

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

@KizerBillhelm

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

@Book_Krazy

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828