@topshelftyson *makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
@KeithAshers Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
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@topshelftyson 
@Mike_Bianchi It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
@Be___Dope [ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
@Rollmaninoz Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
@John_M15 Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
@DanMentos “Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
@MatCro [restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
@notacroc Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
@KizerBillhelm My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
@Book_Krazy Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828