[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”