*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
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The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Herpes is trending, good job people
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older