[being buried alive] you missed a spot
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You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.