@bornmiserable

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

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@Spaziotwat

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

@MonSwanson

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

@KentWGraham

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

@BitterWaterBlue

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

@Reverend_Scott

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

@prawn_meat

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

@djdarrellripley

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

@AnniemuMary

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

@better_off_dad2

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.