[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
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every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
same vibe as tangled headphones
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
my proudest tweet
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.