[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

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Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.


“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.


Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.


Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.


Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.


I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB


I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.


3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”


Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?


The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.