@MarfSalvador

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

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@hamishblake

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

@Rollinintheseat

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

@_Water_Baby

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

@DairylandDon

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

@HlaoRoo

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

@SaraThomas84

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

@mompsychologist

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

@manofletterz

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

@OblivionDream

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.