[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
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ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
every single time
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”