[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Netflix: We have Less
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?