[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
the three branches of government
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?