Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
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I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
What’s so funny?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
oh my god
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know