*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
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4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.