[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
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If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.