[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
You Might Also Like
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted