[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait


[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM


Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.


i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”


Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019


wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”


Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe


“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.


[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*