Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
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me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.