Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
it’s a van. how do they not know this
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT