Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi