Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
You Might Also Like
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Birds & Planes.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad