Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
the saddest jazz hands ever
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you