[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
when someone compliments me
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.