Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
You Might Also Like
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.