Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
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[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
the noise i just made
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash: