Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
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I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Just why bro?!
Thank you corporation very cool
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.