@kristinb5150

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

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@Northerngent4

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

@leechee420

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

@

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

@nettie0918

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

@DamonHunzeker

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

@SteelCityDawn

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

@YesImMatt

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”