You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
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Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Pat is about to own someone
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”