being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
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Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits