being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.


Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.


Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b


*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”


Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean


Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet


I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.


How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.


A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”