Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
You Might Also Like
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
i wish i could marry a nap
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
If you breakdance you buy dance.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
My Guy
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.