Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
You Might Also Like
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Legend 🤣🤣
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now