[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
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Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.