[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
the noise i just made
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
he was correct
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied