[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
cyclists
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen