Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.