[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I have a black belt in leather
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
channeling her this year
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious