I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
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*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.