Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.