Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
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You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
had to share :’)
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
No way!
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Well, this explains it: